Interesting insight

So I'd like to say I have no prejudices but thats a lie and as for what they really are I'm not sure. I do have preferences but am very quick(usually) to put them aside. Except food. Very picky there. But with this past weekends talk of who is invited to your table, I know full well within myself that everyone is invited to sit and eat with me. I have probably been most things while trying to find myself. Though I still haven't found myself completely I am now content, for the most part, with being who I am. I began wondering why I was/felt all these things. Quickly the answer came to me. Now, I'm not one to host big parties or the like, but that may change. I like crowds more now because I no longer fill alone in them. I realized that because I didn't invite anyone too my table when I was younger, no one invited me to theirs. Or if I was invited somewhere I never returned the favor. And I still struggle with that. Apparently for me it is very hard for me to invite people to go with me some where because I dont feel comfortable. I get these thoughts of "Oh, they're not going to want to come and hang out with me" or "I've asked them before and they said no once, so the odds are pretty good they'll say it again so I wont even waste their time by asking." and then I become insecure in inviting. I dont care what your background is, anyone and everyone is welcome at my table.

I used to sort of enjoy being by myself and sometimes I still do but now I prefer the company of others and usually I'm not particular as who the other(s) may be. I have become so much more of an extrovert over the past few years its remarkable. For so long I stayed in my shell like a turtle in fear and I was in fear. I was flat out terrified. Now I think I terrify people, some people anyway >:D. As for the ones I dont terrify glad you're my friends. Living in fear was not where I should be. I should not fear what other people think about me and concern myself with their perceptions of me. Eyes are very deceiving to their owners. I have this philosophy which is now not so true, but it was: "I dont care what you know about me, think about me, say about me or do to me, because one day, I will never see you again." Obviously with my true acceptance of Jesus as my Everything that is no longer true about not seeing people again. Which now makes it harder again for me to pour out my heart. I've reverted to my childhood tendencies of self-protection by staying quiet. And now Jesus is calling me out of it. I was not made to be quiet. I was made to LIVE not die in the shadows like I have recently felt and felt before long ago.

Only been alive for 22 years and I've seen multiple lifetimes in that span. I've seen a child afraid. an athlete, a geek, a bum, a lover, a hater, the oldest, the youngest, the explorer, the white rap guy, the emo, the freak, the conformist, the nonconformist, the helper, the torturer, just to name a few. All in 22 years. I look back on where I came from and realize that me to be here actually typing this up, is in itself a miracle. And for those who are unsure of miracles, I crashed a motorcycle going 60 mph and walked away. Also rode away. Cop said I was the first person he's ever seen walk and ride away from a wreck at that speed. Many times I forget this or pass it off as just another day that happened in my life. I've had many days that have changed me. the only day greater than the day I wrecked and was wrecked was the day Jesus took my brokenness and made me alive in Him on Sept 29th, 2007.


Geez, I get ADD when I write apparently. Look, something shiny! I start writing about one specific thing then like 2 or 3 other random thoughts come so I write those thoughts down. Like I said, "Welcome to a world few have entered."