Extreme's, physical and spiritual

Extreme:
1. of a character or kind farthest removed from the ordinary or average: extreme measures.

2.	utmost or exceedingly great in degree: extreme joy.

3.	farthest from the center or middle; outermost; endmost: the extreme limits of a town.

4.	farthest, utmost, or very far in any direction: an object at the extreme point of vision.

5.	exceeding the bounds of moderation: extreme fashions.

6.	going to the utmost or very great lengths in action, habit, opinion, etc.: an extreme conservative.

7.	last or final: extreme hopes.

8.	Chiefly Sports. extremely dangerous or difficult: extreme skiing.

–noun

9.	the utmost or highest degree, or a very high degree: cautious to an extreme.

10.	one of two things as remote or different from each other as possible: the extremes of joy and grief.

11.	the furthest or utmost length; an excessive length, beyond the ordinary or average: extremes in dress.

12.	an extreme act, measure, condition, etc.: the extreme of poverty.

13.	Mathematics. a. the first or the last term, as of a proportion or series. b. a relative maximum or relative minimum value of a function in a given region.

14.	Logic. the subject or the predicate of the conclusion of a syllogism; either of two terms that are separated in the premises and brought together in the conclusion.

15.	Archaic. the utmost point, or extremity, of something.

So, first of in someways I am extreme but I also have my limits, not entirely sure where they're at but getting past arrogance I know they exist and I know I've hit my limits in some area's.

As for talking about extremes there are two things that I've recently done that I cant decide which of the two is more extreme. One I've already blogged about, going 145 on a motorcycle. For those of you who dont want to live this again, sorry, but be encouraged that it will be the second thing I talk about here. The other is skydiving, some people actually label this the pinnacle of extreme and I can see how, but as for feeling how, not quite sure.

Both of these adventures have their positives and their negatives. Both could very easily result in death and also show you how far you've come or grown.

Skydiving; was and still is the number one thing to do on my bucket list. The reason for it being there in the first place is because I even saw it as the pinnacle of extreme. The reason for it staying there is the experience was so surreal and dreamlike its really hard for me to grasp that I actually did it. And I have proof that I did it. I have pictures and a video(on the way). Its hard for me to believe though that I jumped out of a plane at 11,500 feet. Over 2 miles up. Sure, two miles doesn't seem far from the ground but when you're out of the plane and you see it flying away and your falling its pretty far. The speed you're going when you fall is about 120 mph. So after we've left the plane I'm in a surreal state just focusing on the other skydiver who's wearing the helmet with the video camera and camera. The video camera was on the left of the helmet and the camera was on top of the helmet controlled with a mouthpiece. The one thought I remember having while in the plane and while falling was this: "I forgot how much I hate camera's" and at the same time I'm glad I've got the pictures. Personal preference though is I hate the fact that some of my hair got caught in the goggles. While the rest of my hair is going up, a small, annoying section is hanging there. After falling 6000 feet, yes, we(the instructor and I) fell over one mile with no safety except a backpack on his back and him on my back, pulled the ripcord. Af 5500 feet the cord was pulled to start to deploy the parachute, at 3000 feet the parachute is fully deployed. Yes, there is a violent change in speed and direction, while my body was going up my shoes wanted to go down. I seriously thought I was about to loose them. After the parachute catches and my mind and body notice that the free fall is done I start to look around and realize the beauty of the chaos I had just experienced. While hanging around in the 2500 foot range off the ground with a canopy over me as my only safety I look out and around over E-town. I'm in the sky admiring the beauty that God has made and at the same time I'm wishing I could share it with someone, besides the instructor on my back, for the comedians out there. Which is why next year, I'm wanting to go for my birthday and would like to invite any of you who want to come, come and jump or come and watch. It is one of the coolest things I've ever done I will admit and would love to do again and hope I can. Disclaimer: the open invite maybe a bit premature.

Now for those of you who are not wanting to read about 145 on a motorcycle again, you may skip this section but I would encourage you to read it.

So, as aforementioned in the previous blog I went 145 on a motorcycle on new circle one night. I know its not the wisest of choices and I dont believe I've ever claimed myself to be the wisest. If I have I humble myself now before you and state this: "I value wisdom but I dont always listen to it". The reason I have a hard time deciding which one of these is more extreme has a lot to do with the speed difference, each though, if something went wrong as mentioned up top could lead to death. Obviously nothing went wrong with either one of these adventures since I'm here typing it up. "Everything happens for good of God for those who love Him" Very encouraging verse because even in my stupidity Jesus can use it for good which I'm slowly, painfully slow, learning. Going 145 is fun, I wont deny that and would love to and prolly will do it again, just in a safer manner(road course) but there was some wisdom passed on to me that makes a lot of sense and heard in one hear and out other until a good friend of mine mentioned it again and basically that is have your peripherals on and looking because you never know when something may blindside you. I can tell you from experience that bugs and rain hurt and sting around 70-80 mph. I've heard stories where guys have hit a bird or it hit them, depends on your perspective, but they've come very close to loosing control of the bike because of it.

These are 2 examples of physical extremes, pushing the mind and body.
Skydiving: Somehow, I have no clue how, but I completely disassociated my mind and body. If you look at the picture, my body is expressing terror. I wont say I was fine inside, there was fear, but not as much as what my body shows. People ask me all the time how I just stop thinking I dont really know how I do but I will mention this I had three similar thoughts around the 1000 foot mark on ascent. 1: What am I doing? 2: Why am I doing this? 3: Do I really want to do this? All these questions stem from fear. I'm not fearless. I have just as much fear as the next person but I dont want fear to rule me.

Motorcycle: There was a reason for the 145, not really for spiritual signifigance but to just run, run from a situation that I didn't want to deal with, still don't, but its getting easier. And, if I died during that experience or get injured I wouldn't have cared any, it was a carelessness of life. There wasn't much mentally there until the frustration in my head cleared out and I realized how fast I was going. After that I noticed a lil more. There are 2 reasons I slowed down. One consciously the other subconsciously. The concsious one being there's a turn coming, the subconscious one and I'm not entirely positive on this, but I very well could have been on one wheel for a short period of time.

Now, for the spiritual extreme. I'm going through an adventure, one that frustrates me, hurts me, stretches me, grows me, weakens me to strengthen me and at the beginning of this journey I absolutely hated it and I still hate it to some regards but what I hate now is that I've lost a friend for an unknown amount of time. As you can tell this is more extreme than the other 2 combined. Mentally its draining, physically exhausting, spiritually fulfilling and heartfelt stretching. Read on to understand more. I want to believe that this isnt permanent but where I've had so many people walk out of my life and never come back, its hard for me to believe that this friend will come back. Now, Jesus has been giving me blessings and encouragements and insights. As of late, Revelations 21:5 as stuck out to me: "Look, I am making all things new". 1, I believe he will make our friendship new and at the same time I'm asking Jesus to help me overcome my disbeliefe; 2 I know he's making me new in this process because I'm willing and malleable to what he has for me. I'm not saying its easy but I am saying its worth it. Prior to this 180 turnaround I was on a path that was very fun and even more destructive to my soul. I'm watching Jesus not let me heal the way I used to by hardening my heart to those who've hurt me but learning to love people even when they've hurt me, just like Jesus did. I'm learning my patience isn't as patient as I once thought, once again I'm learning to see the beauty of the storm and to understand on a deeper level that I can just trust Him to pull me through. By the way, this just isn't for me. Its for you too. If it was just for me I wouldn't share it on cyberspace for all to read. I hope you have been able to get something out of it and I pray that these words aren't mine but from God

Life at 145 mph

Life at 145 mph

So forget being a rhino at 30 mph I want to go all out. 145mph or more in the way I live for Jesus. Apparently there is a spiritual lesson to be learned about going that fast on a motorcycle.

Back story to this is on Saturday night or Sunday morning, not really sure which. I got on New Circle to go for a trip and to test my guts as to what speed I felt I could handle. That morning I had went 120 while going to work and that was fun and not all that scary. While driving around new circle I’m waiting for traffic to clear and it does somewhere after Harrodsburg rd so I open throttle. I duck down for a more streamline effect and watch the mph climb. I get to 145 and decide that’s fast enough for tonight. Of course it wasn’t but I didn’t want to push my luck to much so I got off on Leestown Rd and went home.

Now I realized that while I was getting to that speed and even while slowing down my focus was straight ahead. I wasn’t looking to the left or right to allow myself to be distracted of what was in front of me because my life was pretty much on the line and one simple mistake could‘ve very easily killed me. How many times have we lost focus of what’s in front of us while looking at something to the left or right and we watch our lives crash? I know I’ve done it. I’ve done it recently but now my focus is straight ahead and I’m gaining momentum praying I don’t get distracted by things to the left or right of me again because eternities hang in the balance.

There’s a fear in it because of the speed and adrenaline because of the speed. Speed=unknown. Because of the unknown we’re afraid yet I personally enjoy it. I enjoy walking, running, speeding headstrong into my fear. I’m not saying its easy or that it doesn’t hurt.

My focus is straight ahead where Jesus leads me and His path I will follow even if it takes me through the bowels of hell, which by the way I feel like I’m there and I can laugh. I’m laughing as I go through this. I may have lost my mind but that’s another story.

Btw I’m not encouraging anyone to go 145mph on a motorcycle. I think the reason for that experience in my life was so I could write this and share with you what it meant to me. And I still want to go faster but I’m looking for a road course so I can do it as safe as possible. Just an FYI.

Speeding with the Father,
Smitty.

Untouchable

This is the sequel to "Three Simple Words" in some regards.

Who loves to receive hugs? I do. Do I get them as often as I would like? Nope. Sometimes I dont get any. My preference is to get hugs everyday. Now I dont mind giving hugs either but I have a slight problem with that. I try to read body language to see if when I do want to give someone a hug if I'm forcing myself upon that person, and sadly I have forced myself upon people to give them a hug.

The reason being for this and the reason I have titled it "Untouchable" is because so often I feel like I am. I am the person people dont want to hug or the person they dont want to be touched by. If you tell me you love me, I leave mentally and emotionally because flat out I dont believe you. If you hug me it shows me that you actually care because you decided to touch me and then maybe I will be more receptive to the words I love you. Huge maybe.

Jesus has a lot of work to do here. There are only 8 people who I will say "I love you" to and even then that is on a very very very rare occasion. I'll take a bullet for anyone, but I wont say I love you.

Man, I am one screwed up individual. I am very grateful I no longer have to do this on my own anymore.

Desires of ones heart

Ever wish to do or want something that you almost feel certain that you would die if you didn't do or didn't get? I personally call it a desire of the heart. There are many things that I could say I feel this way on. Owning my own house, girlfriend, new car(s)/motorcycle, living in the gorge for a year....or three. None of these things will add or subtract a single day of my life. These are things I see that make life more enjoyable, for me personally. Whats yours?

None of the things I've listed have to do with eternity. I know this in my head, but my heart is very disconnected from this knowledge. I would love to have or do all these things because they would make me feel successful or secure but feelings are deceiving, or at least to me they are.

I was in the gorge Thursday night and had some quiet time there. I was reading through my daily devotional that I was 4 days behind on. Get to this part that talks about the attributes of God. Somewhere pops in my head the question of: Do I want to be God, or do I want to be like God? Well, I chose to be like God. The next question for me then, was how do I be like God? The answer I got was "be a child". Being a child for me is very hard. I hate considering myself needy and at the same time I am very needy. This concept is going to be very hard for me to grasp and apply. I consider myself very independent. I do what I want, when I want. Learning to be dependent and accepting it will be a stretch and take a lot of time. Reason being I feel that if I cant do something on my own, I am a failure. I was always taught to take the pain and lock it inside, if you let it out, you are weak.

DUDE! WOW!

This is fricking AWESOME! One of my best friends from high school who moved our junior year just found me on myspace. I've fricking missed her! I'm so glad God brought here back into my life, even if it is just over the internet. I'm totally blown away by this right now. I haven't talked to her in probably 7 years. Grew up from elementary until she moved.

Just earlier tonight while out at the ferry I was thinking of how many people have come and gone in my life. The main reason I have the thought of "I dont care what you know about me because one day I'll never see you again." is because I've only got one friend who's stuck around for more than 3 years. And maybe in this life I may never see you again, but I pray that isn't the case. The group of friends I have now is a group that I dont want to leave my life. I've never had that thought before.

I never, never thought I would hear from her again. This is amazing. SAWEET!

Lyrics of my life(Part 2)

Part 2 to the lyrics of my life. Next installment sometime.

It's that shit, you know what I'm sayin'?
I'm a give a shout out to my niggas
I ain't givin' a shout out to no Park, nobody, fuck that
Big Baby Jesus in the mother fucking house
Know what I'm sayin'?

[DMX]

Unh, come on
I don't walk, I stalk, livin' foul like pork
Shuttin' down underground streets of New York
Hawk is what them niggas call me, 'cause they all be
Suckin' my dick and on my mother fucking balls, G
I know the half, so I laugh wit' 'em
Blood bath went I let the fuckin' rap hit 'em
Full clip, but only half did 'em
That's all it took, another crook
Taken out over a dirty look
I bag game with niggas I leave shot dead
You're only taken a piss from me with hot led
You know my style nigga, 'cause I'm always schemin'
In jail, niggas holdin' a sink screamin'
Police, but you got no peace
Yo, was that you big man, and alot mo' grease
All I gets is pounds, you ain't want none of this
Back streets are like track meets 'cause I be runnin' this
[Chorus: Ozzy Osbourne]

Ain't nowhere to run ('cause I be runnin' this)
Ain't nowhere to hide (come on)
Ain't nowhere to go ('cause I be runnin' this)
Reaper saved your soul (come on)

[Ozzy Osborune]

Surroned by the colors, I see crimson, black and blue (come on)
Locking open doors again, I'm still afraid of you (straight up, mother fucker)
Light to dark, then light again, I always thought I knew (come on)
Young to old and young again, what's left for me to do? (straight up)
Center of the universe, collecting me in time (come on)
I'm falling down upon the earth, and singing truth in rhyme (come on)
If I was a rolling stone, I'd roll until I'm through (come on)
And if I was a garden I would bloom in black for you (Dirt Dog in effect) [Chorus] [ODB]
ahhhh, yi yi yi yi (come on)

Nowhere to run: DMX, Ozzy, ODB.

Lord Give me a Sign!
I really need to talk to you Lord
Since the last time we talked the work has been hard
Now I know you haven't left me
But I feel like I'm alone
I'm a big boy now but I'm still not grown
And I'm still going through it
Pain and the hurt
Soaking up trouble like rain in the dirt

Lord give me a sign: DMX

Dance, Dance
We're falling apart to half time
Dance, Dance
And these are the lives you'd love to lead
Dance, this is the way they'd love
If they knew how misery loved me

Dance, Dance: Fall out Boy

Drop a heart, break a name
We're always sleeping in, and sleeping for the wrong team

We're going down, down in an earlier round
And Sugar, we're going down swinging
I'll be your number one with a bullet
A loaded God complex, cock it and pull it

Sugar, we're going down: Fall out Boy


Many men, many, many, many, many men
Wish death upon me
Lord I don't cry no more
Don't look to the sky no more
Have mercy on me

Many men (Wish Death): 50 Cent

You can find me in the club, bottle full of Bud
Mama, I got that X, if you into takin' drugs
I'm into having sex, I ain't into making love
So come give me a hug if you into getting rubbed

In da Club: 50 Cent

I've been patiently waiting
For a track to explode on (yea)
You can stun if you want
And yo ass'll get rolled on (It's 50)
It feels like my flows
Been hot for so long (yea)
If you thinking I'ma fucking
Fall off your so wrong

I'm down to sell records
But not my soul
Snoop said this in '94
"We don't love them ho's"

Patiently Waiting: 50 Cent

New York City!
You are now rapping...with 50 Cent
You gotta love it...
I just wanna chill and twist a la
Catch suns in my 7-45
You drive me crazy shorty I
Need to see you and feel you next to me
I provide everything you need and I
Like your smile I don't wanna see you cry
Got some questions that I got to ask and I
Hope you can come up with the answers babe

[Nate Dogg]
Girl...It's easy to love me now
Would you love me if I was down and out?
Would you still have love for me?
Girl...It's easy to love me now
Would you love me if I was down and out?
Would you still have love for me?
Girl...

[50 Cent]
If I fell off tomorrow would you still love me?
If I didn't smell so good would you still hug me?
If I got locked up and sentenced to a quarter century,
Could I count on you to be there to support me mentally?
If I went back to a hoopty from a Benz, would you poof and disappear like
some of my friends?
If I was hit and I was hurt would you be by my side?
If it was time to put in work would you be down to ride?
I'd get out and peel a nigga cap and chill and drive
I'm asking questions to find out how you feel inside
If I ain't rap 'cause I flipped burgers at Burger King
would you be ashamed to tell your friends you feelin' me?
In the bed if I used my tongue would you like that?
If I wrote you a love letter would you write back?
Now we can have a lil' drink you know a nightcap
And we could go do what you like, I know you like that

[Nate Dogg]
Girl...It's easy to love me now
Would you love me if I was down and out?
Would you still have love for me?
Girl...It's easy to love me now (Woo!)
Would you love me if I was down and out?
Would you still have love for me?
Girl...

[50 Cent]
Now would you leave me if you're father found out I was thuggin'?
Do you believe me when I tell you, you the one I'm loving?
Are you mad 'cause I'm asking you 21 questions?
Are you my soulmate? 'Cause if so, girl you a blessing
Do you trust me enough, to tell me your dreams?
I'm staring at ya' trying to figure how you got in them jeans
If I was down would you say things to make me smile?
I treat you how you want to be treated just teach me how
If I was with some other chick and someone happened to see?
And when you asked me about it I said it wasn't me
Would you believe me? Or up and leave me?
How deep is our bond if that's all it takes for you to be gone?
We're only humans girl we make mistakes, to make it up I do whatever it take
I love you like a fat kid loves cake
You know my style I say anything to make you smile

[Nate Dogg]
Girl...It's easy to love me now
Would you love me if I was down and out?
Would you still have love for me?
Girl...It's easy to love me now
Would you love me if I was down and out?
Would you still have love for me?
Girl...

Could you love me in a Bentley?
Could you love me on a bus?
I'll ask 21 questions, and they all about us
Could you love me in a Bentley?
Could you love me on a bus?
I'll ask 21 questions, and they all about us

21 questions: 50 Cent Ft Nate Dogg

I hold on so nervously
To me and my drink
I wish it was cooling me
But so far, has not been good
It�s been shitty
And I feel awkward, as I should
This club has got to be
The most pretentious thing
Since I thought you and me
Well I am imagining
A dark lit place
Or your place or my place

Well I�m not paralyzed
But, I seem to be struck by you
I want to make you move
Because you�re standing still
If your body matches
What your eyes can do
You�ll probably move right through
Me on my way to you

I hold out for one more drink
Before I think
I�m looking too desperately
But so far has not been fun
I should just stay home
If one thing really means one
This club will hopefully
Be closed in three weeks
That would be cool with me
Well I�m still imagining
A dark lit place
Or your place or my place

Well, I�m not paralyzed
But, I seem to be struck by you
I want to make you move
Because you�re standing still
If your body matches
What your eyes can do
You�ll probably move right through
Me on my way to you

Well, I�m not paralyzed
But, I seem to be struck by you
I want to make you move
Because you�re standing still
If your body matches
What your eyes can do
You�ll probably move right through
Me on my way to you

I�m not paralyzed
But, I seem to be struck by you
I want to make you move
Because you�re standing still
If your body matches
What your eyes can do
You�ll probably move right through
Me on my way to you

You�ll probably move right through
Me on my way to you

You�ll probably move right through
Me on my way to you

Paralyzer: Finger Eleven

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life
How to save a life

How to save a life: The Fray

I stand alone Inside, I Stand alone

I stand alone: Godsmack

Windmill, Windmill for the land.
Turn forever hand in hand
Take it all in on your stride
It is sinking, falling down
Love forever love is free
Let's turn forever you and me
Windmill, windmill for the land
Is everybody in?

Feel Good Inc: Gorillaz

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah,
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah
Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I walk alone
I walk a...

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone...

Boulevard of broken dreams: Green Day

And I can't make it on my own.
(And I can't make it on my own.)
Because my heart is in Ohio.
So cut my wrists and black my eyes.
(Cut my wrists and black my eyes)
So I can fall asleep tonight, or die.
Because you kill me.
You know you do, you kill me well.
You like it too, and I can tell.
You never stop until my final breath is gone.

Ohio is for Lovers: Hawthorne Heights

Lets go home and get stoned
We could end up making love instead of misery
Go home and get stoned
Cause the sex is so much better when you're mad at me

Get Stoned: Hinder

I think you can do much better than me
After all the lies that I made you believe
Guilt kicks in and I start to see
The edge of the bed
Where your nightgown used to be
I told myself I won't miss you
But I remember
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me

Better than me: Hinder

I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
Is there something more than what i've been handed?
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
Help me carry on

Crawling in the dark: Hoobastank

So goodnight, goodnight
You're embarrassing me
You're embarrassing you
So goodnight, goodnight
Walk away from the door
Walk away from my life
So Goodnight

Goodnight, Goodnight: Hot Hot Heat

I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain.
I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away

Enrique Iglesias: Hero

Rosemary
Heaven restores you in life
You're coming with me
Through the aging, the fearing, the strife
It's the smiling on the package
It's the faces in the sand
It's the thought that moves you upwards
Embracing me with two hands
Right will take you places
Yeah maybe to the beach
When your friends they do come crying
Tell them now your pleasure's set upon slow-release

Evil: Interpol

(Holla Holla)
All my niggaz thats ready to get (Dollaz Dollaz)
Bitches know who can get em a little (Hotta Hotta)
Come on, If you rollin' wit me (Follow Follow)
Its Murda.

Holla, Holla: Ja Rule

For he so feared the word
He left his only begotten son
To shed his blood
Show that pain is love
But I wont cry
Cause I live to die
Wit my mind on my money
And my guns in the sky

Only Begotten Son: Ja Rule

Dice are rolling, Knives are out
with thee present danger all around
I don't say they mean harm, but they'd each give an arm
to see us six feet underground.
see us 6 feet under ground
It doesn't matter what those morons say

[Chorus]
It's Murda I N C Uh, the Lord is calling me
My demons haunt me this really tortures me
cuz they don't understand me
And while I'm holdin up I know you smilin' down
at all my enemies who wanna see me (six feet underground)

6 feet underground: Ja Rule

Love don't love me
Is the only thing that seems to hold me
God can you explain why
Love don't love me
Is the only thing that seems to hold me
God can you explain why

Pain is Love: Ja Rule


Now I was sitting waiting wishing
That you believed in superstitions
Then maybe you'd see the signs
But Lord knows that this world is cruel
And I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool
Learning loving somebody don't make them love you

Must I always be waiting waiting on you?
Must I always be playing playing your fool?

Sitting, waiting, Wishing: Jack Johnson

It's the hard knock life (uh-huh) for us
It's the hard knock life, for us!!
Steada Treated,we get tricked
Steada kisses, we get kicked
It's the hard knock life!!

Hard Knock Life: Jay-Z

If I should die don't cry my niggas
just ride my niggas bust bullets in the sky my niggas
and when I'm gone don't mourn my niggas
get on my niggas when it's real
say word to Shawn my niggas
If I should die...

If I should die: Jay-Z

How many y'all wanna ride tonight (ride tonight)
How many y'all down to die tonight (die tonight)
How many y'all wanna ride tonight
Nigga ride or die or ride or die

Ride or Die: Jay-Z

[Jay-Z] Uh-huh
[$hort] That's right
[Jay-Z] Uh-huh-uh, it was all good just a week ago
[$hort] Last week I had everything
[Jay-Z] Uh, uh-huh-uh, had this all good just a week ago
[$hort] I had the money.. had the cars, the bitches
[Jay-Z] Uh-huh, yeah, it was all good just a week ago
[$hort] and the jewelry..
and then my motherfuckin niggaz started snitchin
[Jay-Z] Uh-huh, uh uh, yo
[$hort] Beyotch!

a week ago: Jay-Z

lyrics of my life(Part 1)

*UNCENSORED* lyrics from different songs and bands that have impacted my life either directly or indirectly. This is part one of an unknown amount. If you have any questions about why any of these are there I'd love to answer them personally.

"Where should I start
Disjointed heart
I’ve got no commitment
To my own flesh and blood
Left all alone
Far from my home
No one to hear me, to heal my ill heart, I
Keep it locked up inside

It’s too late to love me now
You helped me to show me
It’s too late to love me now
You don't even know me"

And One: Linkin Park

I never know just why you run so far away, far away from me
Fly with me under the wings I gave you,
Try to be closer to me and I'll save you

Carousel: Linkin Park


Why does it feel like night today?
Something in here's not right today.
Why am I so uptight today?
Paranoia's all I got left
I don't know what stressed me first
Or how the pressure was fed
But I know just what it feels like
To have a voice in the back of my head
Like a face that I hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes
A face watches every time I lie
A face that laughs every time I fall
(And watches everything)

Papercut: Linkin Park

Everything you say to me
Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I'm about to break
I need a little room to breathe
Cause I'm one step closer to the edge
I'm about to break

One Step Closer: Linkin Park


No matter how far we've come
I can't wait to see tomorrow
No matter how far we've come, I
I can't wait to see tomorrow

With You: Linkin Park

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

Crawling: Linkin Park

I wanna run away
Never say goodbye
I wanna know the truth
Instead of wondering why
I wanna know the answers
No more lies
I wanna shut the door
And open up my mind

Runaway: Linkin Park

I want to be in another place
I hate when you say you don’t understand
(You’ll see it's not meant to be)
I want to be in the energy, not with the enemy
A place for my head

A place for my head: Linkin Park

In the memory you’ll find me
Eyes burning up
The darkness holding me tightly
Until the sun rises up

Forgotten: Linkin Park

This is the last smile
That I'll fake for the sake of being with you
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away

Pushing me away: Linkin Park

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear
This is my December
This is my snow covered home
This is my December
This is me alone

And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things I said
To make you
Feel like that
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all the
Things I said to you

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

This is my December
These are my snow-covered trees
This is me pretending
This is all I need

And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things I said
To make you feel like that
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all the things
I said to you

And I give it all away
Just to have
Somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

My December: Linkin Park

Sometimes I need to remember just to breathe
Sometimes I need you to stay away from me
Sometimes I’m in disbelief I didn’t know
Somehow I need you to go
Don’t stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
What you were changing me into
Just give me myself back and
Don’t stay

Dont Stay: Linkin Park

Just stuck/ hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own
I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve held so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

Somewhere I belong: Linkin Park

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)

Easier to run: Linkin Park

(I can't feel the way I did before)
(Don't turn your back on me)
(I won't be ignored)
(Time won't heal this damage anymore)
(Don't turn your back on me)
(I won't be ignored)

Faint: Linkin Park

Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again

[Bridge:]
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

[Chorus:]
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again

[Bridge:]
I dont want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

[Chorus:]
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight

[Bridge:]
I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends

[Chorus:]
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
to show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I’m breaking the habit
Tonight

Breaking the habit: Linkin Park

Take everything from the inside and throw it all away

From the inside: Linkin Park

(Tried to give you warning but everyone ignores me)
Told you everything loud and clear
(But nobody’s listening)
(Called to you so clearly but you don’t want to hear me)
Told you everything loud and clear
(But nobody’s listening)

I got a heart full of pain, head full of stress
handful of anger, held in my chest

Nobody's Listening: Linkin Park

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Numb: Linkin Park

I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say
Take this all away
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong
With me

Given Up: Linkin Park

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Leave out all the rest: Linkin Park


I've opened up these scars
I'll make you face this
I've pulled myself so far
I'll make you, face, this, now

Bleed it out: Linkin Park

And the sun will set for you
The sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in gray
And the sun will set for you

Shadow of the day: Linkin Park

So let mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done
I'll face myself
To cross out what i’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what i’ve done

What I've Done: Linkin Park

I had hope
I believed
But I'm beginning to think that I've been deceived

No More Sorrow: Linkin Park

My insides all turned to ash, so slow
And blew away as I collapsed, so cold
A black wind took them away, from sight
And held the darkness over day, that night
And the clouds above move closer
Looking so dissatisfied
But the heartless wind kept blowing, blowing
I used to be my own protection, but not now
Cause my path had lost direction, somehow
A black wind took you away, from sight
And held the darkness over day, that night
And the clouds above move closer
Looking so dissatisfied
And the ground below grew colder
As they put you down inside
But the heartless wind kept blowing, blowing

Valentines Day: Linkin Park

Your lips say that you love
Your eyes say that you hate

You promise me the sky
Then toss me like a stone
You wrap me in your arms
And chill me to the bone

In pieces: Linkin Park

Don't want to reach for me do you
I mean nothing to you
The little things give you away
And now there will be no mistaking
The levees are breaking
All you've ever wanted
Was someone to truly look up to you
And six feet under water
I
Do

The Little Things Give You Away: Linkin Park

Standing alone with no direction
How did I fall so far behind?
Why Am I searching for perfection?
Knowing it's something I won't find

In my fear and flaws
I let myself down again
All because

[Chorus]
I run
Till the silence splits me open
I run
Till it puts me underground
Till I have no breath
And no roads left but one

When did I lose my sense of purpose?
Can I regain what's lost inside?
Why do I feel like I deserve this?
Why does my pain look like my pride?

In my fear and flaws
I let myself down again
All because
I let myself down
In my fear and flaws

[Chorus]
I run
Till the silence splits me open
I run
Till it puts me underground
Till I have no breath
And no roads left but one
No roads left but one

In my fear and flaws
I let myself down again
All because

I run
And the silence splits me open
I run
And it puts me underground
But there's no regret
And no roads left to run

No Roads Left: Linkin Park

What's real is the kids who think they don't belong
What's real is the kids who have nowhere to run
Who are hiding in the shadows waiting for the sun

Dedicated: Linkin Park

Can't you help me as I'm startin' to burn (all alone).
Too many doses and I'm starting to get an attraction.
My confidence is leaving me on my own (all alone).
No one can save me and you know I don't want the attention.

Bat Country: Avenged Sevenfold

If I was invisible
Then I could just watch you in your room
If I was invincible
I'd make you mine tonight
If hearts were unbreakable
Then I could just tell you where I stand
I would be the smartest man
If I was invisible
(Wait..I already am)

Invisible: Clay Aiken

What a beautiful smile
Can I stay for awhile?
On this beautiful night
We'll make everything right
My beautiful love, my beautiful love

Beautiful love: The Afters

(Swing) Swing, Swing from the tangles of
My heart is crushed by a former love
Can you help me find a way
To carry on again.

Swing Swing: The All American Rejects

I feel you creeping, I can see it from my shadow
Why don't you jump in my Lamborghini Gallardo
Maybe go to my place and just kick it like TaeBo
And possibly bend you over look back and watch me
Smack that all on the floor
Smack that give me some more
Smack that 'till you get sore
Smack that oh-oh!

Smack that: Akon

See you at the crossroads, crossroads, crossroads
So you won't be lonely
See you at the crossroads, crossroads, crossroads
So you won't be lonely
See you at the crossroads, crossroads
So you won't be lonely
See you at the crossroads, crossroads

Crossroads: Bone Thugs

Don't look at me that way
It was an honest mistake
Don't look at me that way
It was an honest mistake
An honest mistake

An Honest Mistake: The Bravery

You're so cold
Keep your hand in mine
Wise men wonder while
Strong men die

So Cold: Breaking Benjamin

Y'all niggas had enough?
Gimme some more
Y'all niggas want the wild shit?
Gimme some more
Yo Spliff where the weed at?
Gimme some more
I know ya'll niggas need that
Gimme some more
Even though we getting money you can
Gimme some more
With the cars and the big crib
Gimme some more
Everybody spread love
Gimme some more
If you want it let me hear you say
Gimme some more

Gimme some more: Busta Rhymes


Do it now
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

The Bad Touch: Bloodhound Gang

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

Hate Me: Blue October

I never thought I'd die alone
Another six months, I'll be unknown
Give all my things to all my friends
You'll never step foot in my room again

Adams Song: Blink 182

Say it ain't so, I will not go
Turn the lights off, carry me home
Keep your head still, I'll be your thrill
The night will go on, my little windmill

All the small things: Blink 182

Fate fell short this time
Your smile fades in the summer
Place your hand in mine
I’ll leave when I wanna

Feeling this: Blink 182


Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you, I miss you)
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you, I miss you)

I miss you: Blink 182


Well you're just as I presumed
A whore in sheep's clothing
Fucking up all I do
And if so here we stop
Then never again
Will you see this in your life

Welcome Home: Coheed and Cambria

I'll do anything for you,
Kill anyone for you.

So leave yourself intact
'Cause I will be coming back.
In a phrase to cut these lips,
I love you.

Wake up: Coheed and Cambria

Listen well... will you marry me?
Not now, Boy
Are you well in the Suffering?
You've been the most gracious of hosts
You may be invited, girl, but you're not coming in

Listen well... will you marry me?
Not now, Boy
Are you well in the Suffering?
You've been the most gracious of hosts
I may be invited, girl, but I'm not coming in

The Suffering: Coheed and Cambria


You've come so far from innocence
Provided all the consequence
Only what does it matter now?

Cause you're going home
You're running free
As only you would be if you never owed them anything
And now you've found your way out
In the trust you've seen your path on home

The Running Free: Coheed and Cambria

Looking back at me I see
That I never really got it right
I never stopped to think of you
I'm always wrapped up in
Things I cannot win
You are the antidote that gets me by
Something strong
Like a drug that gets me high

[Chorus x2:]
What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold

Cold: Crossfade

Surely not the best colors that you shine

I know you feel alone, yeah, and no one else can figure you out
But don't you ever turn away from the ones that help you down?
Well they'd love to save you. Don't you know they love to see you smile?
But these colors that you've shined are surely not your style

Colors: Crossfade

This is the world we live in
And these are the hands we're given
Use them and let's start trying
To make it a place worth living in

Land of Confusion: Disturbed

All I know is pain
All I feel is rain
How can I maintain, with madd shit on my brain
I resort to violence, my niggaz move in silence

Ruff Ryders Anthem: DMX

If you love something let it go, if it
comes back to you it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was
Either let me fly, or give me death
Let my soul rest, take my breath
If I don't fly I'ma die anyway, I'ma live on
but I'll be gone any day

Let Me Fly: DMX

Ay yo I'm slippin' I'm fallin' I can't get up
Ay yo I'm slippin' I'm fallin' I can't get up
Ay yo I'm slippin' I'm fallin' I gots to get up
Get me back on my feet so I can tear shit up

Slippin': DMX

Please give me the strength I need to live...
Bear with me
Amen

We each walk the path, that we've chosen

[Chorus]
I'm ready to meet him
We're I'm living ain't right
Black hate whit
White hate black
It's right back
To the same fight
They got us suspecting a war
But the real war is to follow the law of the lord

Lord, you left me stranded
And I don't know why
Told me to live my life
Now I'm ready to die
Ready to fly
I cry, but I shed no tears
You told me you would dead those fears, it's been years
Snakes still coming at me
Just missing
Sometimes I think all you doing me is just listen
I thought that I was special
Thats what you told me
Hold me
Stop acting like you don't know me
What'd I do so bad that it sent you away from me
Not only sent you away, but made you stay away from me
(My child I'm here, as I've always been, it was you who went away,
And now are back again, what did I say?)
Follow your word, and be true
(What did you do?)
Well:what I wanted to do...
(What have you seen?)
Darkness and hell at a glance
(What do you want?)
All I want is another chance

[Chorus]

(Just because you went away, my doors are not locked, wanna come back home, all you gotta do is knock)
Ya see, I left home a boy, I returned as a man
Full grown, and I'm still not able to stand
(I gave you a hand)
Well...but I was looking the wrong way
Figured out the plan, then I started to pray
And that prayer, took me from here to over there
Back to over here
Now they got me like where?
Do I belong?
Do I fit in?
Things on my mind, where do I begin?
It's easier to sin, but it hurts my heart
I'm really tryin' to win, so where do we start?
(Thou shall not steal)
But, what if he stole from me?
(Thou shall not kill)
But what if he's tryin' to kill me?
(Thou shall not, take my, name in vain, no matter how hard it rains, withstand the pain)

[Chorus]

Our father, who art in heaven
I'm not ashamed to ask for guidance, at 27
No longer afraid to knock on your door
Not scared anymore to lose my life in the war
After what I just saw, I'm ridin' with the lord
Cause I really can't afford to lose my head by the sword
And now that I've seen, what I need to see
Please take me, where I need to be
(What have you learned?)
It's better to tell the truth than to lie
(What have you learned?)
To love my life until I die
(What have you learned?)
Violence isn't always the key
(What have you learned?)
You can't always believe what you see
(What have you learned?)
It's better to forgive and forget
(What have you learned?)
Give as you expect to get
(What have you learned?)
That I can't go on without you
(What have you learned?)
I must've been a fool to ever doubt you

[Chorus]

I'm ready to meet him

Ready to Meet Him: DMX

One more road to cross
One more risk to take
Gotta live my life
like there's one more move to make

One More Road to Cross: DMX

Where the hood, where the hood, where the hood at?
Have that nigga in the cut, where the wood at?
Oh, them niggaz actin up?!? Where the wolves at?
You better BUST THAT if you gon pull that

Where the hood at: DMX

Get it on the floor
Get it get it on the floor (WHAT?!)
Get it on the floor
Get it get it on the floor (WHAT?!)
You don't wanna party then your ass gotta go (WHAT?!)
You don't wanna party then your ass gotta go (C'MON!)
Now you can ride to this motherfucker (uh)
Bounce to this motherfucker (uh)
Freak to this motherfucker (let's get it on)
Get it on the floor (WHAT?!)
Get it get it on the floor (WHAT?!)
Get it on the floor (WHAT?!)
Get it get it on the floor (that's right)

Get it on the floor: DMX

I see ghosts clearly; even though, most don't hear me
They still wanna get near me - fear me, so I'm leary
Kinda eerie what I'm feelin - from the floor, to the ceilin
Straight through the roof, want the truth?
I kinda miss robbin and stealin
cause it kept a nigga hungry, only eatin when I starved
I was ugly, so I robbed, no one loved me, shit was hard
Went to God once in a while when it got a little too hectic
He was the only one I knew that I respected (WHY?)
Didn't know why, didn't know what I was livin was a lie
If I ain't shit then, why should I try
See, plenty niggaz die, over dumb shit, up in the hood
Real good heart, but up to no good
Thought I did what I could, but I guess it, wasn't enough
The Devil told me it would happen but I kept callin his bluff
When it rains it pours now, my pains are yours
as yours are what's mine, define, revolvin doors

Why We Die: DMX, Busta Rhymes, Jay-Z


Let the bodies hit the floor
Let the bodies hit the floor
Let the bodies hit the floor
Let the bodies hit the floor Beaten why for
Can't take much more
One - Nothing wrong with me
Two - Nothing wrong with me
Three - Nothing wrong with me
Four - Nothing wrong with me
One - Something's got to give
Two - Something's got to give
Three - Something's got to give
Now
Let the bodies hit the floor
Push me again
This is the end
Skin against skin blood and bone
You're all by yourself but you're not alone
You wanted in now you're here
Driven by hate consumed by fear
Let the bodies hit the floor

Bodies: Drowning Pool

It's lonely here in outerspace
The nearest stars are miles away
But I believe I'm on to something big
I've only come to not be found
To circle high above the ground
And watch everyone else for a change
Don't you ever wish you'd never
Don't you wonder if your face might shine
Without the pies of lies

Outerspace: Evan and Jaron

She rolls the window down
And she
Talks over the sound
Of the cars that pass us by
And I dont know why
But shes changed my mind

Chorus:
Would you look at her
She looks at me
Shes got me thinking about her constantly
But she dont know how I feel
And as she carries on without a doubt
I wonder if shes figured out
Im crazy for this girl

She was the one to hold me
The night
The sky fell down
And what was I thinking when
The world didnt end
Why didnt I know what I know now

Chorus

Right now
Face to face
All my fears
Pushed aside
And right now
Im ready to spend the rest of my life
With you

Crazy for this girl: Evan and Jaron

Now another day has found me
And if I wasn't so stupid
I'd have ushered in the morning holding her tight
With sounds of promise
And shades of grace

Done Hanging on maybe: Evan and Jaron

I can't take the distance
I can't take the miles
I can't take the time until I next see you smile
I can't take the distance
And I'm not ashamed
That with every breath I take I'm callin your name

The Distance: Evan and Jaron

Sorry to call you in the middle of the night
But my thoughts have kept me thinking about some things in my life
I got your number from a friend who told me
That itd be all right to call you if I ever need
Someone to show me things in a different light
And let me choose whats wrong and whats right

Please pick up the phone
I need to talk, I know youre at home
If youre screening your calls
I know youre busy and I wont keep you long

If you know everything that happens to me
Why do I have to ask you for things that I need
What about people who dont even call
cause they dont have the number, do you help them at all?
Will you show me things in a different light
And let me choose whats wrong and whats right

Well, Ive moved away and Im out on my own
Do you ever get lonely living alone?
Can we just talk about it
Wont you pick up the phone

Every night I sit and stare
At the wall in front of my face imagining youre there
Talking back to me so that everyone can see
That Im not so crazy after all

Pick up the Phone: Evan and Jaron

From my head to my heart
can't seem to find a way they're so far apart
It's not you, it's not your fault
You've got everything I could ever want
And you've always understood my intentions are good
and we've been so close from the start
but the furthest distance I've ever known is
From my head to my heart

From my head to my heart: Evan and Jaron

You'd think I'd know by now
You'd think I'd wash this down
Did you think I'd hurt her now
Just to heal my heart
Then you don't know me
You don't know me
And she don't owe me anything

You dont know me: Evan and Jaron

Ive got to make it better, make it all right
Got to find me a ladder to reach the light
Got to move to the exit, single file line
Before the fire spreads to my head and burns my mind

Make it better: Evan and Jaron

Nobody could hurt me like I know she could hurt me
but there's nothing in this world that I want more
Nobody could take me to the places that she takes me
Places that I've never been before
With my eyes wide open knowing full well

I could fall from heaven
I could fall from heaven
I could fall I could brake that's the chance that I take
I could fall

Look at me I'm flying, just a breath away from dying
Holding on to her and letting go
As I walk across this wire above a lake of fire
And lean into the wind that starts to blow
With my eyes wide open knowing full well

Do I hide my heart? Do I lock my door?
Do I tear it out so it don't feel no more?
No, I risk it all knowing that I could fall from heaven
I could fall from heaven
I could fall
I could fall
I could fall
I could fall
Fall, fall

I could Fall: Evan and Jaron

Embracing darkness

Ever felt hopeless? Like no matter what you do in life you cant get a step ahead? Obviously I have or I wouldnt be writing this. My eyes used to be empty. Cold and dark. This was long before I met any questers. When questers met me my eyes had some form of life in them. Probably excitement. At that time in my life I wanted to meet new people and I did, met a lot. What you have not seen is the dark, cold, distant and desolate land I lived in. Some of you may have caught a glimpse of that last weekend. I was very very distant and starting to grow cold again. Closing myself off to those who care. Honestly I wanted and sometimes want to be forgotten and erased from memories.

I've been embracing the darkness that I live in instead of rejecting it and walking in the light. The darkness is home, it is a friend. In reality its not. My perception has been distorted to see evil as good and good as evil. Do I like the dark? Yes. Its a comfortable place where I can hide and people can forget me. But that doesn't work with Jesus. He came into the darkness to provide a light to the lost. No matter where you're at, if you see a light you're drawn to it. Just like a moth.

I know how dark I am and easily can be. For the first time ever I wrote a poem that scared even myself. That in itself is a challenge. I dont get scared(usually), I get disturbed, but that scared me.

Invisible

So have you ever felt invisible or wanted to be invisible? I've been in both of those shoes. There are many times I feel invisible and it is really hard for me to see and believe that I'm not. I would almost bet money that I could stand on a random corner and I could recognize someone that wouldn't recognize me. I find that funny when riding. I'll see people I know and they may not even see me. Now of course that is harder to figure out who it is that just flew past you in the opposite direction.

As for wanting to be invisible, well, I had that moment a couple of months ago now. Lets just say the southwest commercial of "Want to get away? Now you can" was running through my mind. To make long story short, dawn and cascade dont mix in the dishwasher. It will give you a very clean floor in front of the dishwasher that's for sure.

I've recently noticed that the times that I feel invisible are the times when I strongly feel no one cares. Which is more often than I'd like to admit(go to prior post). Usually thoughts will creep in of "I'm not this" or "I'm not that" which makes me believe that no one wants to hang out with me.

Like all my post have been to date, I was not made to be invisible. I know in my head that I'm not invisible but my heart still has that disconnect that is slowly being connected as to not overload.

Now I would love to be the life of the party, be the funny one, be the one who gets all the attention. But my body finds its limits in crowds. Public speaking is not easy for me. Even in a small group setting it is hard, one on one is usually best. Now I like groups dont get me wrong but in these more populated settings I'm more apt to fade to the back and lean against the wall. I've seen myself do it many times.

I think in a very very slow manner I'm becoming more comfortable with being visible. Though right now I want all the attention without doing anything which is so not where I need to be. I used to use sympathy to get attention which is one of the reasons I'm afraid to opening up. I dont want to open up to just get attention, and its something I fear I may have done recently. It is very manipulative of others.

If I were to get all the attention I wanted what would I do with it? Store it up in an account somewhere and what good would that do me? Receiving attention for self gain is pointless but it does seem to serve ones self-image depending on how it received. Self image is very important. Right now you're reading a blog of someone who has more self-image and worth than he's ever had in his life. Are things perfect? No, but there is one man who gave me his full attention, so much attention that I was worth dying for and that to Him we are all worth dying for. That man is Jesus.

Right now I truly believe: "I'm everywhere I dont want to be, but I'm everywhere I need to be." Slowly confidence in myself through Jesus is being built up because I had no confidence. And a lot of the times, I still dont. It is a hard battle but worth it in the end. "All good things are worth fighting for". I will make this statement to make things clear: I will not die in the shadows. I will merge from the depths of darkness and walk in the light. I will no longer hide behind a one way mirror but instead enter into the room. I WILL become visible.

Silence

So there is one slight problem with me writing these blogs and thankfully I have the foresight to see it now. To understand where this is going you're going to need to understand where I came from a little bit better. The summer after my freshmen year of high school was literally the worst summer of my life. Twice I seriously contemplated suicide but did not attempt for fear of failing. Also, in cyberspace there were people who seemed like they cared. Maybe they did, maybe they didn't. When you're 14, you're pretty naive. My days during that summer went like this: Get up at Noon, get online, get offline at 3 pm. Hang around the house, maybe walk around outside, play with my lego's, deliver newspapers, then sit around til 9 pm. At 9 I would get back online and get off at 3 am. The entire time I was in chatrooms talking with people. Also a real big RollerCoaster Tycoon fan at this time, so I would spend time playing it. If you read carefully I had literally NO social interaction whatsoever. My ENTIRE summer went that way.

In the chatrooms when things would come up within me I would pour my heart to the people there and surprisingly they actually helped. Who would think a total stranger, with some crazy screenname could help? To give you a better picture, they are the MAIN reason I'm alive today. The 2nd reason is my roommate, whom I met after this summer.

The foresight that I have is that I could pour out my entire heart here and become a mute. Now I will consistently pray that that does not happen and your prayers are welcomed. Just the other day I realized that I wont speak unless spoken too. I actually do have a lot to say, just look at the blogs, you just have to ask. And thats not totally a good thing. I get this thought in my head that because no one asks, no one cares what is on my mind and what I may have to say. I know thats a lie but during times when I'm thinking like that, it is quite realistic.

Again, I was not made to be silent. [Also, I was not made to survive, I was made to live. If all you do is SURVIVE, you never LIVE.(random thought, insert here)]. If I was quiet the rocks would take my place. How embarrassing would that be for rocks to take my place of praise and worship? It would be interesting to say the least, my mind finds it very amusing. Rocks singing and shouting in worship, that'd be an interesting drama.

Back to the foresight, if we ever get a conversation and I tell you to go read my blog, SMACK ME! And I'm being serious. I'll tell you why in person, if you want to know.

People have learned this part about me, if I'm quiet, somethings not right. Now there are times when I'm quiet and nothings wrong and thats when, on the rare occasion I have nothing to say or able to refute a previous comment(cough, cough).

Once again you have entered into a world few have dared. Heck, I dont even dare. I'm just screwed. :P

Three simple words

Three simple words that will change your entire perspective on the way you look at yourself. "I love you." These words, to me, do not mean what they actually mean. Instead I have placed these words in a negative context. When someone says "I love you" to me I almost immediately leave the conversation mentally. And I know the people who have said those words to me, recently, meant it in its intended context. However, my perception and understanding has been distorted....severely. When I think of those words, I think of hate, anger, aggression, pain, anguish, and anything else that would not be connected with the word love. So very rarely will I personally use those words so it doesn't become an automatic response. It at one point in time in my life, which was not to long ago, was. I also used those words to keep myself out of trouble though eventually that was caught on to.

My response now is usually an "Ok....thats odd" or a confused look which goes back to previous post of having a hard time accepting it, and sometimes actually completely disbelieving it. Now I know full well, I would give my life without second thought for any of my friends, but I wouldn't call it love. I would call it care. There are a few friends of mine, that I feel safe to say that I love them but because of my perception I dont always see that as a good thing. A lot of times I see that as me hurting someone.

Those three simple words are the most powerful words I know of. If you know of any more powerful I would be glad to know. The one that may come close to rivaling that is "I hate you". And at times, those words could far surpass the power of the other three. It really depends on how you take those words. The old saying "Stick and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me" is sooooo far from the truth. In reality, yes, words shouldn't hurt but OH can they be devastating. Depending on what words are said, who they're said by, and in what tone of voice can really deepen the cut. When we find ourselves in situations like that, it really seems and we totally believe that a shot to the foot would be less painful.

1 Corinthians 13 gives a description of what love is. Called the love chapter for obvious reasons. Now my favorite verse is actually Romans 12:2 which says: Do no conform any longer to the patterns of this world but instead be transformed by the renewing of your mind. So personally I believe I have been fairly consistent on the first part of that verse. If not, call me out on it. Its kind of how I base my life. The 2nd part, however, is something that has been popping up recently. Be transformed by the renewing of your mind? I'm thinking, crap, I'm screwed! My mind is so caught up in the one way direction that it was going, that having to do a 180 and think completely opposite is like me trying to do a triple axle. Right now impossible. Not a figure skater, but with the right training I could probably get there. Just like with the right training my mind will begin to work in the way it was intended to be. Kind of like walking backwards and wondering why your head was getting hit with every step.

More later, if I remember. I need sleep. blah

Peace

So as of right now I have peace about what has been attacking my heart over the past couple of weeks and bringing me down. This peace came from nowhere. I remember laying down asking Jesus, just casually, to take this burden from me because I cant handle it. And well, I woke up the next day, the inner fire was gone. To give an idea of what it felt like before I had prayed, these are the descriptions: At first it felt like I was in a hallway totally engulfed in flames starring at a door and knowing full well what was on the other side of that door. I stayed in that place for a few days. A lot longer than I wanted thats for sure. Then it feels like I'm still engulfed and somewhere took a spear, poked it in my belly button, pushed it up to just below the ribs and twisted. Actually became physically painful in stomach. After that settled down and I start to stand back up, it felt like I had been pushed out of a plane at 10,000 feet, hit rock bottom, fell through rock bottom and landed on a spike surviving the whole thing. Now, ALL of those feelings are gone. The root as to what caused these feelings is still there but I'm really learning to trust Jesus in a whole new way with this. Its one of 2 things that can bring me down quicker than anything else.

And to this year. I can promise you on my life this year by far has been the worst year of my life with external and internal circumstances and at the same time everything Ive wanted and more. Some of you may know my past, hasn't been horrible, but also hasn't been great. Not where I would choose to come from but I am so glad I did. I know I would not have survived this year without Jesus. I'm perseveringly stubborn but even that wouldn't have helped me this time around. Thoughts from my previous life were creeping back in stronger than they've ever been before. I'm starting to sense better the spiritual battle going on around me and just how crazy the fight is. Instead of trying to do this on my own, like I became accustom to over the past 22 years, I actually dont have to. Its great when you know that first and foremost Jesus has already fought the battle and won and secondly when people genuinely care and love you. That is very hard for me to accept.

To the next point. My first day at Quest. I come in expecting to just meet one person. I met that one person and four others when I first walked in. I knew God had a sense of humor but wasn't sure how big it was until then. I remember looking around and seeing people who I didn't expect to meet. I try to not be judgemental and it doesn't always work as I found out but thankfully I met them so when I ended up meeting them I was laughing on the inside at myself. I met people for the first time in my life genuinely cared about me for me, not who I was or wasn't so to my quest family, thank you! You've shown and continue to show your love to a person who was once unloved.

And now to loving oneself. I have such a struggle with that its ridiculous. I hated myself with every intent of the word. Jesus is slowly starting to show me how to love myself. For the longest time I felt like an uninvited guest at my own dinner party. Learning to love myself is hard, very hard. But of course when someone else loves you first it makes it that much easier to SEE that you are loved and then it becomes easier still to love yourself. So peace I've been experiencing over the past 2 days has blown me away. For those who have been praying for me, whatever it is you've been praying, I kindly ask that you continue those same prayers.

Interesting insight

So I'd like to say I have no prejudices but thats a lie and as for what they really are I'm not sure. I do have preferences but am very quick(usually) to put them aside. Except food. Very picky there. But with this past weekends talk of who is invited to your table, I know full well within myself that everyone is invited to sit and eat with me. I have probably been most things while trying to find myself. Though I still haven't found myself completely I am now content, for the most part, with being who I am. I began wondering why I was/felt all these things. Quickly the answer came to me. Now, I'm not one to host big parties or the like, but that may change. I like crowds more now because I no longer fill alone in them. I realized that because I didn't invite anyone too my table when I was younger, no one invited me to theirs. Or if I was invited somewhere I never returned the favor. And I still struggle with that. Apparently for me it is very hard for me to invite people to go with me some where because I dont feel comfortable. I get these thoughts of "Oh, they're not going to want to come and hang out with me" or "I've asked them before and they said no once, so the odds are pretty good they'll say it again so I wont even waste their time by asking." and then I become insecure in inviting. I dont care what your background is, anyone and everyone is welcome at my table.

I used to sort of enjoy being by myself and sometimes I still do but now I prefer the company of others and usually I'm not particular as who the other(s) may be. I have become so much more of an extrovert over the past few years its remarkable. For so long I stayed in my shell like a turtle in fear and I was in fear. I was flat out terrified. Now I think I terrify people, some people anyway >:D. As for the ones I dont terrify glad you're my friends. Living in fear was not where I should be. I should not fear what other people think about me and concern myself with their perceptions of me. Eyes are very deceiving to their owners. I have this philosophy which is now not so true, but it was: "I dont care what you know about me, think about me, say about me or do to me, because one day, I will never see you again." Obviously with my true acceptance of Jesus as my Everything that is no longer true about not seeing people again. Which now makes it harder again for me to pour out my heart. I've reverted to my childhood tendencies of self-protection by staying quiet. And now Jesus is calling me out of it. I was not made to be quiet. I was made to LIVE not die in the shadows like I have recently felt and felt before long ago.

Only been alive for 22 years and I've seen multiple lifetimes in that span. I've seen a child afraid. an athlete, a geek, a bum, a lover, a hater, the oldest, the youngest, the explorer, the white rap guy, the emo, the freak, the conformist, the nonconformist, the helper, the torturer, just to name a few. All in 22 years. I look back on where I came from and realize that me to be here actually typing this up, is in itself a miracle. And for those who are unsure of miracles, I crashed a motorcycle going 60 mph and walked away. Also rode away. Cop said I was the first person he's ever seen walk and ride away from a wreck at that speed. Many times I forget this or pass it off as just another day that happened in my life. I've had many days that have changed me. the only day greater than the day I wrecked and was wrecked was the day Jesus took my brokenness and made me alive in Him on Sept 29th, 2007.


Geez, I get ADD when I write apparently. Look, something shiny! I start writing about one specific thing then like 2 or 3 other random thoughts come so I write those thoughts down. Like I said, "Welcome to a world few have entered."