Invisible

So have you ever felt invisible or wanted to be invisible? I've been in both of those shoes. There are many times I feel invisible and it is really hard for me to see and believe that I'm not. I would almost bet money that I could stand on a random corner and I could recognize someone that wouldn't recognize me. I find that funny when riding. I'll see people I know and they may not even see me. Now of course that is harder to figure out who it is that just flew past you in the opposite direction.

As for wanting to be invisible, well, I had that moment a couple of months ago now. Lets just say the southwest commercial of "Want to get away? Now you can" was running through my mind. To make long story short, dawn and cascade dont mix in the dishwasher. It will give you a very clean floor in front of the dishwasher that's for sure.

I've recently noticed that the times that I feel invisible are the times when I strongly feel no one cares. Which is more often than I'd like to admit(go to prior post). Usually thoughts will creep in of "I'm not this" or "I'm not that" which makes me believe that no one wants to hang out with me.

Like all my post have been to date, I was not made to be invisible. I know in my head that I'm not invisible but my heart still has that disconnect that is slowly being connected as to not overload.

Now I would love to be the life of the party, be the funny one, be the one who gets all the attention. But my body finds its limits in crowds. Public speaking is not easy for me. Even in a small group setting it is hard, one on one is usually best. Now I like groups dont get me wrong but in these more populated settings I'm more apt to fade to the back and lean against the wall. I've seen myself do it many times.

I think in a very very slow manner I'm becoming more comfortable with being visible. Though right now I want all the attention without doing anything which is so not where I need to be. I used to use sympathy to get attention which is one of the reasons I'm afraid to opening up. I dont want to open up to just get attention, and its something I fear I may have done recently. It is very manipulative of others.

If I were to get all the attention I wanted what would I do with it? Store it up in an account somewhere and what good would that do me? Receiving attention for self gain is pointless but it does seem to serve ones self-image depending on how it received. Self image is very important. Right now you're reading a blog of someone who has more self-image and worth than he's ever had in his life. Are things perfect? No, but there is one man who gave me his full attention, so much attention that I was worth dying for and that to Him we are all worth dying for. That man is Jesus.

Right now I truly believe: "I'm everywhere I dont want to be, but I'm everywhere I need to be." Slowly confidence in myself through Jesus is being built up because I had no confidence. And a lot of the times, I still dont. It is a hard battle but worth it in the end. "All good things are worth fighting for". I will make this statement to make things clear: I will not die in the shadows. I will merge from the depths of darkness and walk in the light. I will no longer hide behind a one way mirror but instead enter into the room. I WILL become visible.