Peace

So as of right now I have peace about what has been attacking my heart over the past couple of weeks and bringing me down. This peace came from nowhere. I remember laying down asking Jesus, just casually, to take this burden from me because I cant handle it. And well, I woke up the next day, the inner fire was gone. To give an idea of what it felt like before I had prayed, these are the descriptions: At first it felt like I was in a hallway totally engulfed in flames starring at a door and knowing full well what was on the other side of that door. I stayed in that place for a few days. A lot longer than I wanted thats for sure. Then it feels like I'm still engulfed and somewhere took a spear, poked it in my belly button, pushed it up to just below the ribs and twisted. Actually became physically painful in stomach. After that settled down and I start to stand back up, it felt like I had been pushed out of a plane at 10,000 feet, hit rock bottom, fell through rock bottom and landed on a spike surviving the whole thing. Now, ALL of those feelings are gone. The root as to what caused these feelings is still there but I'm really learning to trust Jesus in a whole new way with this. Its one of 2 things that can bring me down quicker than anything else.

And to this year. I can promise you on my life this year by far has been the worst year of my life with external and internal circumstances and at the same time everything Ive wanted and more. Some of you may know my past, hasn't been horrible, but also hasn't been great. Not where I would choose to come from but I am so glad I did. I know I would not have survived this year without Jesus. I'm perseveringly stubborn but even that wouldn't have helped me this time around. Thoughts from my previous life were creeping back in stronger than they've ever been before. I'm starting to sense better the spiritual battle going on around me and just how crazy the fight is. Instead of trying to do this on my own, like I became accustom to over the past 22 years, I actually dont have to. Its great when you know that first and foremost Jesus has already fought the battle and won and secondly when people genuinely care and love you. That is very hard for me to accept.

To the next point. My first day at Quest. I come in expecting to just meet one person. I met that one person and four others when I first walked in. I knew God had a sense of humor but wasn't sure how big it was until then. I remember looking around and seeing people who I didn't expect to meet. I try to not be judgemental and it doesn't always work as I found out but thankfully I met them so when I ended up meeting them I was laughing on the inside at myself. I met people for the first time in my life genuinely cared about me for me, not who I was or wasn't so to my quest family, thank you! You've shown and continue to show your love to a person who was once unloved.

And now to loving oneself. I have such a struggle with that its ridiculous. I hated myself with every intent of the word. Jesus is slowly starting to show me how to love myself. For the longest time I felt like an uninvited guest at my own dinner party. Learning to love myself is hard, very hard. But of course when someone else loves you first it makes it that much easier to SEE that you are loved and then it becomes easier still to love yourself. So peace I've been experiencing over the past 2 days has blown me away. For those who have been praying for me, whatever it is you've been praying, I kindly ask that you continue those same prayers.