Silence

So there is one slight problem with me writing these blogs and thankfully I have the foresight to see it now. To understand where this is going you're going to need to understand where I came from a little bit better. The summer after my freshmen year of high school was literally the worst summer of my life. Twice I seriously contemplated suicide but did not attempt for fear of failing. Also, in cyberspace there were people who seemed like they cared. Maybe they did, maybe they didn't. When you're 14, you're pretty naive. My days during that summer went like this: Get up at Noon, get online, get offline at 3 pm. Hang around the house, maybe walk around outside, play with my lego's, deliver newspapers, then sit around til 9 pm. At 9 I would get back online and get off at 3 am. The entire time I was in chatrooms talking with people. Also a real big RollerCoaster Tycoon fan at this time, so I would spend time playing it. If you read carefully I had literally NO social interaction whatsoever. My ENTIRE summer went that way.

In the chatrooms when things would come up within me I would pour my heart to the people there and surprisingly they actually helped. Who would think a total stranger, with some crazy screenname could help? To give you a better picture, they are the MAIN reason I'm alive today. The 2nd reason is my roommate, whom I met after this summer.

The foresight that I have is that I could pour out my entire heart here and become a mute. Now I will consistently pray that that does not happen and your prayers are welcomed. Just the other day I realized that I wont speak unless spoken too. I actually do have a lot to say, just look at the blogs, you just have to ask. And thats not totally a good thing. I get this thought in my head that because no one asks, no one cares what is on my mind and what I may have to say. I know thats a lie but during times when I'm thinking like that, it is quite realistic.

Again, I was not made to be silent. [Also, I was not made to survive, I was made to live. If all you do is SURVIVE, you never LIVE.(random thought, insert here)]. If I was quiet the rocks would take my place. How embarrassing would that be for rocks to take my place of praise and worship? It would be interesting to say the least, my mind finds it very amusing. Rocks singing and shouting in worship, that'd be an interesting drama.

Back to the foresight, if we ever get a conversation and I tell you to go read my blog, SMACK ME! And I'm being serious. I'll tell you why in person, if you want to know.

People have learned this part about me, if I'm quiet, somethings not right. Now there are times when I'm quiet and nothings wrong and thats when, on the rare occasion I have nothing to say or able to refute a previous comment(cough, cough).

Once again you have entered into a world few have dared. Heck, I dont even dare. I'm just screwed. :P